My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
