Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
the liver wants what the liver wants
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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