i love accidental penises.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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