when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
