You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
