yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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