He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize