yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
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