You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize