I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize