my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
