thus making me awesome and them whores
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
