arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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