Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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