On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
