he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
