DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
