Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
