i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
