Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
