I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
