They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
