I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize