Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i love accidental penises.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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