there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
