i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
