took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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