News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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