What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
