I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
