I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
