Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
