I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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