FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
