when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
