when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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