It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I have aggressive nipples.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
