if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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