I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Randomize
