I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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