fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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