he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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