Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
