Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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