when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
