Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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