i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
