If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
NoShamevember. You game?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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