Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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