take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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