i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
