Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
