I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
