my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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