We named our party play list daddy issues
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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