I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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