My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
