Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
