when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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