the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
