I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
