i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
