Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
