I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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